Yes, yesterday was may birthday. And to those of you who know...yes, I am ___ years old. To those who don't...wag nyo nang alamin...anyway, I don't look it naman (yes, what confidence!!!).

As a sign of leaving the old year behind, I cut my hair short. Sabi nila para matanggal daw ang malas (wish ko lang natanggal na nga).

My birthday was uneventful. We just went to mass and that's it...we didn't even go out to celebrate my birthday. No... we did go out...to SM bicutan (again) just to check on my e-mail and return some vcd's but that was it. Ang lungkot di po ba? But despite it being uneventful...it was, in a way, insightful (may word ba na ganon)? Basta yun. After all these years it looked like nothing changed. I mean, I feel the same way I used to feel 10 years ago. I didn't think I matured enough. I don't think I have accomplished enough. But then again, when I think of all those years that I have been through...it brought me to thinking that yes I did mature, in a way. And I did achieve something...in a way. The relationship that I went into wasn't easy...but I survived...we survived. If I remember right, I told my friend when the relationship just started that this will only be for 2 weeks because at that time I feel that these kinds of relationship really don't last...well, I was wrong. We've had times where we had to be apart but I guess that was what made us stronger. I'm not proud of how the relationship started but I'm proud of how it lasted. To those who know my story, I don't recommend this nor do i disagree to it...it's just that it's a hard situation to be in. I guess maturity came in when I decided that I want this person to be in my life and by doing that I would have to "suffer the consequences" and fight for what I want. Actually, I'm not really sure if that was maturity or just being plain stubborn. I was looking for an achievement. To some, it may mean a higher paying job, having your own house and car before you reach the age of thirty, going abroad and making it. Just last night, i realized that I want these things too...but what I want most is the family that I have right now. This is my achievement...a relationship that for me lasted more than it should, a daughter who from the very start didn't give us any headaches even when she was a baby...a happy person if I must say...a loving and happy family. All these years, I could count the times when I was given a gift by this person...when I last counted, around 3...including Christmas presents. But surprisingly, I never complained about it. We joked about it, yes...but it never was an issue between us. I guess having him and Angela is a gift in itself that I never looked for anything more...all the gifts we could have bought each other, we bought for Angela instead. His gift to me...someone I could talk to and tell all my fears and dreams to, a person who understands how I am and who I am and why I am the crazy person that I am, a person who sticks with you through thick and thin and a person who loves his family with a passion. This is the gift that I want...and I have it.

Now, if we could just have a house and a car and 1 million in the bank...that would be nice as well

I don't know if I just overreacted or if it was just normal to feel scared as I did last Sunday. 'Cause last Sunday, I thought I was really going to die. Saturday night, I already felt something blocking the area possibly, where food passes. I didn't feel good at that time already but I still went to work. After work, I went through the usual route of passing by SM Bicutan to first check my e-mail. While reading my e-mails I felt the same way I did the previous night and added to that, I couldn't breathe. I wanted to burp but I couldn't. So I bought 7-up so that I could burp...or fart...anything...just to let air out of my system. But nothing happened. I was finding myself gasping for breath already and I was already breathing through my mouth because I was thinking that if I breathe through my nose, it'll just make things worse. I called up Dong who was in Cavite at that time and told him of what I felt and asked him to fetch me asap. I immediately went to Prime Care to have myself checked up. For 20 minutes I was walking around, sitting, standing....expecting the worst to happen. When I finally was checked up by the doctor, I was told that I may have experienced heartburn. But not to worry because it can be remedied. At that time, I was alone in the doctor's office thinking only of the what ifs. At the back of my mind, I was thinking of mommy. This may be what she felt when she was gasping for breath as well. Finally, Dong arrived and when I saw him I cried so hard because I was happy to see him and that I'm happy that he still saw me alive. Call it overreaction but I felt that that was my near-death experience. I cried because of Angela...because of my family. I didn't want to leave them this early.

With all these said, I now see the importance of burping and farting (excuse me for the word). Now, everytime I do these two things, I would say "Thank you Po". So if you hear these words from me from now on, you know what just happened...hehe.

Last Sunday was fun. Sobrang nag-trip kami talaga ni Angela. Remember "Ang TV"? Sa mga nanonood do'n nun, I'm sure naaalala nyo pa yung kanilang jokes that always start with "esmyuski". Tapos ngayon naman, sa Going Bulilits, mahilig sila sa mga jokes that would start with..."sino daw..." or "ano daw...". Anyway, while watching tv, napagtripan kong to ask Angela ng isang "sino daw" question. Sabi ko sa kanya, I'm sure ipagkakalat mo yan sa school nyo. Ang bakla, in denial at hindi raw niya ipagkakalat. Pero maya-maya bigla akong sinabihan na gumawa pa raw ako nung mga gano'n. Sabi ko naman, hindi ko pwedeng pilitin...sabi ko it just comes. So quiet siya. Ewan ko ba kung anong nakain ko pero nung may naisip nga ako, sasabihin ko muna kay Angela in a small voice, "Esmyuski"...sagot naman ang bakla, "you're eksmused"...tapos magtatanong na ako..."sino daw ang..." tapos sasagot siya ng "Sino?"...ang sagot ko naman..."eh di si..."  tapos it would end with "ngee!!" O 'di ba, trip kung trip. Kakagano'n namin, nakailan akong questions na ganon sa kanya. Share ko lang yung mga nagawa ko...ewan ko kung I might have heard this from somewhere pero in my heart, ako ang gumawa nito. Anyway, here goes:

 - Sino ang artistang body of water? - Ray-ver Cruz

 - Sino ang artistang parang sirena ng pulis? - Pok-wang wang

 - Sino ang artistang parating nakasakay sa kabayo? - Iya! Iya! (with matching action na parang nangangabayo) Villania

 - Sinong artista ang parang nalalaglag? - Ai!Ai!Ai! (action ka rin na parang nalalaglag...hehehe) de las alas

 - Sinong artista ang candy? - Piolo-li-pop-scual

 - Sinong artista ang parating naka-damit? Vhong Naka-varro

 - Sinong artista ang kailangang labhan? - Lucky Mantsa-no

 - Sinong artista ang mahilig tumawa? - Ma-hahaha Salvador

O 'di ba kainis ang pagka-corny. No violent reactions ha...sineshare ko lang naman...basta natawa ang anak ko, ayos na sa akin yun. That's all that matters...

got this from Karen's blog. Grabe...sobrang swak na swak to what I'm going through right now...

You Can Change Your Life, But It Won't Be Easy

You really, truly want to change. You're just not sure that you can do it. You need a solid plan, supportive friends, and a strong will. Think about times you've made hard changes, and what you did to get through them. A change is in your future - you just need a little help getting started.

This started isang gabi na nakatayo ako sa ilalim ng lamppost habang naghihintay ng tricyle papalabas ng better living. Wala lang....nagsimula sa isa, hanggang sa marami pala itong mga ito.

Naiinggit ako sa....

...mga taong pwedeng gastusin ang 13th month pay nila for their own caprices without feeling guilty about it.

...mga taong merong 6880, N70 o N73 kasi ito ang mga pangarap kong celphones. Hint, hint sa mga gustong mag-regalo (asa pa ako 'no?).

...mga taong mataas ang AHT, mataas ang offer rate, sales rate, PPH, CPH, qa, etc...in short, mga taong nakakaabot ng metrics nila.

...mga AMO, MO, QA, AVP, VP, President...in short, yung mas matataas ang sweldo kesa sa akin. Although I don't envy their jobs...gusto ko lang yung sweldo.

...mga taong balingkinitan ang katawan (take note, hindi patpatin...balingkinitan)...for obvious reasons.

...mga taong makikinis ang mukha...basta gusto ko rin yon.

...mga taong marunong mag-dala ng damit.

...mga taong outspoken dahil kaya nila sabihin ang gusto nilang sabihin.

...mga taong di kalakihan at di kalaparan ang paa kasi hindi mahirap hanapan ng sapatos.

...mga taong magaganda ang boses dahil pangarap ko rin ang maging singer (pwede, walang tatawa).

...mga taong bata pa pero mature na ang pananaw sa buhay...dahil ako yata ang kabaligtaran ng mga ito.

...mga taong magaling mag-sulat at gumawa ng entry sa blog.

...mga taong kayang gawing napakaganda ang mga layout sa blog nila.

...mga taong close sa siblings nila na halos barkada na ang turingan nila sa isa't isa (hi Karen!)

...mga taong may mala-APO na friendship

...mga taong malakas ang loob na mag-apply for a higher position (never really tried it, probably because I never really qualified).

...mga taong athletic.

...mga taong malakas ang loob na sumali at nananalo sa Game k na Ba, Deal or no Deal, Pera o Bayong, etc.

...mga taong may bahay at lupa.

...mga taong walang utang.

Hindi ito wish list...dahil kung wish list ito at natupad ito lahat...grabe, perfect na ako. I'm sure kulang pa ito dahil hindi ito matatapos dito.

Pero ito lang ang masasabi ko: I'm sure meron din silang kaiinggitan sa akin - si Angela, si Dong, my bro Paul and sis-in-law Marie, si Ate Doris, ang mommy ko (sumalangit nawa), Pricks (mahirap isa-isahin...), and friends that have been there for the longest time kahit di na kami masyado nagkikita but still manage to keep in touch.

                               Elmo and Angela                      Mega-explain si Elmo

      Nagulat ang bakla!                                                       Kiss kay papa

Wala lang ito. Pinagtripan lang namin si Elmo one Thursday afternoon. Itong stuffed toy na ito was a gift from us to Angela nung mga 2 years old yata siya no'n. Angela liked Elmo so much then na kahit na paubos na ang pera ko no'n, pinilit na ring bilhin ito habang may promo ang jollibee.

It's my mom's birthday today. If she was alive today, she would've been 89 years old. Most of us could only wish that we could reach that age. With all of the years that we've spent together, there is still so much to say, so much to learn. But I guess, a lifetime isn't enough to say the things that you really want to say.

Right now, all I can think of saying is Thank You. Thank you for everything that you did for us. Right from the very start when you took me as your own. I know, there were times that we didn't get along, but I guess that's part of every mother-daughter relationship. But mommy, whatever the differences, whatever the heartaches we've caused each other, one thing is for sure....I love you very much. 

I miss you so much, Mommy...Happy Birthday!!!        

Sa wakas, may maisusulat na naman ako dito. After mommy died, nawalan na ako ng gana mag-blog. And I was thinking, kung magpo-post ulit ako, it has to be about the time my mom passed away kasi hanggang sa ngayon malungkot pa rin ako. Ang tagal-tagal kong iniisip kung pano ko isusulat...like, will it start from the time na nahospitalize si mommy or do I just go straight to the time time na nawala na siya...stuff like that. Pero pag umupo naman ako sa harap ng computer, wala naman lumalabas...nakatulala lang ako. So I decided not to post first...until one day, na may pinakita sa akin si Angela na ginawa niya. Kaya ito na po...gawa 'to ni Angela one Sunday afternoon...

"08/27/06

Ang mga alaala: Naranasan nyo nabang magkaroon ng malolonkot na alaala. Pwes ako meron akong malulunkot na alaala dati nung buhay pa ang akong Lola masayang-masaya kami noon pa nga ginagawa o tinitiis pa ni Lola ang kanyang sakit para lang sa akin iniisip ko kung Bakit tinitiis pa ni Lola ang sakit nya pero nung isang araw pumunta yung nag aalaga kay Lola at ang sabi nya na may sakit ho ang Lola ni Angela at agad kaming pumunta sa tinitirhan ni Lola namita namin si Lola na mataas ang Lagnat ang nanginginig iyak ng iyak si mama at sabi ni mama dadalhin namin kayo ki Angela sa makati med ha at umoo din si Lola agad kaming pumunta sa ospital nakalipas ang mga araw nka uwi na dun kami at kailangan nalang namin si Lolang alagaan at nung nagpa check-up kami sinabi ng doktor na critical na daw ang katawan ni Lola at mahina na dao siya kaya pina tuloy niya muna kami sa ospital at kinabukasan napaka Lungkot ng araw ng biglang nag hihingalo na si Lola at mamaya maya ay hindi na siya humihinga nalaman ko nalang na patay na si Lola ako naman ngayon ang iyak ng iyak halos naubos na ang tisyu at nung ililibing na si Lola si mama ulit ngayon ang umiiyak at si Papa ako hindi ako umiyak dahil paka maubos nanaman yung tisyu eh hahaha.

The end"

Back-to-back na Grade 2 pad paper ito...at script pa ang pagkakasulat. Pasensya na at walang perion...hindi pa yata nila napag-aaralan ang punctuation marks sa school. Naloka ako...naiyak ako sa gitna, bigla akong natawa sa huli. I guess, ito na nga ang summary of everything that happened.

                                                                     written last March 7 at home

During the weekend, I looked back at the past week and in general, it was all good. I went on vacation leave last Feb. 27 and 28 which was spent with my family.

Last Feb. 27, I had to look after my mom because Ate Doris went out being her birthday tomorrow. Sa ngayon kasi, hindi na pwedeng iwanan ang mommy ng mag-isa dahil nahihirapan siyang tumayo on her own. The only time she stands up is when she has to pee. She needs to transfer from her bed to the comode. And someone needs to help her while she sits kasi ang tendency ay ibabagsak niya yung weight niya sa kung saan man siya uupo which is not good kasi baka may mabaling buto daw sa hips. So far, kaya pa pag gano'n kasi she can still pull herself up by grabbing some furniture na steady it's just that nahihirapan na lang siyang tumayo na hindi inaalalayan. The one time I felt very helpless was nung nagrereklamo siya about her pinched nerves. Sumasakit yung armn niya kahit naka-inom na ng gamot at nag-lagay na ng Salonpas. Nagkukuwento pa si mommy, na sabi ng best friend niya sa kanya, ibigay na daw lahat ng sakit wag lang daw yung pinched nerves. How sensitive di ba...eh yun nga yung sakit ni mommy eh!

March 1 was Angela's field trip na. It was supposed to be on Feb. 28 pero napostpone dahil sa nangyari nung Linggo about the marines and all. The first location we went to was the ice cream factory of Nestle. Kala ko naman kung saan, yun pala yung dating Magnolia. Feeling ko wala na talaga akong pinalampas na lugar, during the presentation about Nestle's history, ayun, nakatulog na naman ang lola mo. Kaloka! Before umalis ng ice cream plant, everybody was given one of their products...yung jelly tongue chuva. Hindi ako kumuha...para kasing weird...iba yung nai-imagine ko...para talaga siyang dila. Pag kinagat kasi, di agad bumabaon yung ngipin...kelangan talaga ipilit pa. Anyway, after the ice cream plan, we went to Philippine Science Centrum sa Marikina. Maganda sana and ang daming matututunan ng kids but then we didn't have enough time. May magandang feature dun where the kids stood against a wall tapos parang pipicturan sila. Pag tapos na yon and they walk away from the wall, maiiwan yung shadow nung kid na nag-pose don.Galing! After Science Centrum, pumunta naman kami sa Pope Pius sa UN (again!) to watch yung puppet show (again!). Naalala nyo ba yung entry ko before about Biboy Baboy? Iba naman ngayon...si Kapitan Donat-Yahoo na nagtuturo na wag maging pasaway. Ang nakakaloka lang , isa na naman itong baboy! Not that I have anything agains pigs...in fact, masarap talaga sila mas lalo na pag bina-barbeque...hehe. Pero naisip ko lang, bakit baboy parati ang nagtuturo sa mga kids na ito...marami naman ibang hayop diya. Tanong lang, matatalino ba talaga ang mga baboy?

I went back to work nung Friday, March 2 and it was a good day for me kasi I had more than 1 sale. At 'eto pa, may commendatio call pa ako kasi natuwa yung isang caller na kahit papano ay natulungan ko daw. Sabi ko nga kay Kat, partida pa yan kasi sa sobrang antok ko, naka-idlip ako in the middle of the call...dami kasi tanong nung babae, eh.

If only for that, sulit yung week na yun 'no...

 "Isn't it ironic...don't you think?"

20 years ago today, the Philippines was celebrating because we managed to topple a dictatorship...democracy was restored. But now, 20 years after that fateful day, all that the Filipinos fought for on that date has all gone to waste. Sayang! If only the people in the army were just brave enough to stand behind the people, if only the police were lenient enough, if only the people cared enough then I guess this wouldn't have happened. Gloria Arroyo just declared the Philippines in a State of Emergency. The fact that all rallies are being stopped, the media can't cover events that go against the government...i feel that it's martial law all over again. Just tonight my officemate received a text that anyone caught in the streets after 12 midnight will be considered anti-government and may be arrested. Right now I'm really scared...i'm scared for the country, for the people...specially the people i care about. I don't know if this set-up will be temporary. With the kind of people in Malacanang right now, anything is possible...including another 20-year martial rule. And I hope this doesn't happen again...for our sakes.

Last year, when those Garci tapes came out, I was one in saying GMA should step down. But I was asked by some friends, if she steps down, who would takeover? I say anyone but her. Anyone who said that she'll do because no one is better than her, there is no one we could trust anymore...knowing what you know now, would you still say that no one is better than her?

Serious ba? Mukha 'no? Serious kasi deep inside, galit na galit ako sa mga nangyayari. Di bale kung ano na nangyayari sa buhay ko...mas galit ako sa nangyayari sa ngayon sa country natin. I have a daughter who's growing and ayokong maranasan niya yung mga martial law na yan. I know it's not martial law yet pero...sa ngayon, who's to say na it won't happen?